Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A Formal Affair

Hoodwink’d  by cj hood
A Formal Affair Part I 

What up kids?  BREAKING NEWS:  Our team blows!  But I’m not one to yell, curse and kick the dog over this pathetic excuse for a ball club.  Instead, I light a candle, put on some slow muzac and put my anger onto the pages of my marble notepad.  Like Chuck D of Public Enemy once crooned, ‘When I get mad, I put it down on a pad…give you something that you never had.’  So based on that shiz, I’ve decided to class this blog up and share with you some of the tasteful pieces I’ve penned while watching this atrocity.  I’m a start it off with a funky-ass haiku…

I don’t know this team
Who the hell is Reid Brignac?
Sounds like a porn name


Ode to Chase:
Without Chase
we’d have no wins.
No heart on the team.
No team.
No heart.


There once was a man named Amaro,
who lived for today, not tomorrow.
He mortgaged the farm,
gave out contracts that harmed,
And now the city just sulks in its sorrow.


Pop up, pop up, pop
Ben Revere can’t bunt for shit
Take a lead off third


B is for the Balls every first batter gets
A is for your Ass that children try to pet
S is for the Strikes I think you had a few
T is for the Times you threw at batters shoes
A is also for your Ass cuz it’s big as hell
R is for the Runs you produce like Taco Bell
D is for Down Lehigh Valley that you have to go
O is for On as in ‘get back on the drugs bro’

I’ll be performing at Philly’s Phunniest Contest at Helium ( 2031 Sansom St., Philly) on Sun; June 22nd @ 10pm.  Round 1 winners are determined by the audience so I need your support.  I have a few free tickets left…get at me thru Facebook.  Otherwise, tickets are 2 for the price of 1 (tickets are $10).  Please call the box office at 215-496-9001 to make a reservation.  Make sure you mention my name (cj hood) to receive the discount.  I’m funnier than the Phillies defense…let’s get ‘bunted!


  1. If you're happy and you know it, take a poop, if you're happy and you know it take a poop, if you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it shit your pants!!!

  2. You already get BOY for this one. Dunno how you do it, in my depression nothing good or funny comes to mind. Guess that's because I've seen this show 20 times over since 1958. :(