Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A New Dope


Hoodwink’d                by  cj hood
A New Dope

I decided to do a Star Wars parody in honor of the Phillies 1st Annual Star Wars Night this Friday; Aug 22nd.  I planned on taking my family to this, but I’ve decided not to waste the money.  Jabba the Hutt cares more about his weight than the Phils care about winning.  Word to Salacious B. Crumb!  Irregardless (not a real word), the team sucks and Emperor Montgomery said today that he has no plan on firing Darth Amaro which means we’ll suck til Star Wars 9 is released.  So pop some popcorn, grab some Rolos and get ready for a space opera Philadelphia style…


STAR WARS 7 IS GOING TO BE LIKE THE TANEY DRAGONS HYPE ON STEROIDS!!!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

It is a period of a terrible season.
The Phillies are on there way to a second
consecutive losing season while fans are
rebelling against the evil Ruben Amaro Jr.

During the season, fan spies managed
to steal secret plans to RAJ’s
ultimate weapon, his wallet, a
blank check with enough power
to field a team with 25 has-beens.

Pursued by RAJ’s sinister agents,
Princess Cole races home aboard his
starship, custodian of the stolen plans
that can save his team and restore
freedom to the NL East...

the cast…

Darth Vader:  Ruben Amaro Jr (half cyborg/half idiot)
Princess Leia Organa:  Cole Hamels  (pretty & fare)
Luke Skywalker:  Chase Utley (beloved hero)
Han Solo:  Paps (loud, brazen & fearless)
Obi-Wan Kenobi:  Cholly (just the ghost cuz Darth Amaro killed him)
Chewbacca:  Ryan Howard (should be a beast but really a push over)
C-3PO:  Domic Brown (tall, lanky, talks a good game)
R2D2:  Chooch (short but takes care of biz)

sequel characters…

Emperor Palpatine:  David Montgomery
Lando Calrissian:  J*Roll (can’t trust that smile)
Jabba the Hutt:  Joe Blanton (f’ it)
Boba Fett:  Marlon Byrd (mad skillz/fan favorite)
Wicket the Ewok:  Ben Revere (small but carries his own)
Yoda:  Netfather Bill (wise and old)

Phillies Star Wars is different from the real Star Wars in which Darth Amaro runs wild til a legion of Buntamaniacs run him out of town.  However, this will take 9 installments as well…which kinda sucks.  Hey, we won a series (Mariners) today…May the Bunts be with you!!!





Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Time Will Tell

 
As I listen to the supposed experts, they keep telling the Wriz over and over that the Phillies have 4-5 years before they have a legitimate chance to contend. Well, anyone who actually reads this blog know theres only one true expert and that's The Wriz and he says that's horse shit. The Phillies can be contenders in 2 years. Yep, by the 2016 the Phillies could be back in the mix. I said "could" not "will" because there are several things that must take place before its even a possibility.

#1 Fire Amaro. I've said all along Amaro was a piece of shit and now everyone agrees with me. The fact he hasn't be canned already leads me to believe he'll be here at least into 2015, which automatically pushes back when the Phillies could be competitive. Unfortunately, its not as simple as if hes here another year it will take one year longer for the Phils to return to prominence. The Phillies tradable pieces are aging the time to move them is NOW. I said I would have trade Ruiz, Utley and even Hamels when they were in the last year of  contracts. And its no different now.

#2 Trade/Cut/Retire the vets. Sure Howard, Rollins and the aforementioned 08 core brought us some of the memories we will never forget but that was nearly six years ago. Its time to move on and necessary to be competitive sooner rather than later.

#3 The Phillies must keep spending money. The Phillies had for years operating like a small market team trading success for profits. The new Comcast deal infuses the team with a boatload of cash but the kid who for years watch the Fightins bring in has beens and retreads on the cheap says the faceless owners pocket that moolah and live the high life in the shadows.

Ok, so lemme piece it all together for you. The Phillies fire Amaro and bring in a competent GM. I'd like to see them bring in David Forst, the assistant GM from the A's. He learned under Billy Beane and if he can combine Moneyball with actual money who knows what could happen. You trade whatever veteran players you can and get prospects. Get as many blue chippers as you can but I'd rather see "high ceiling" prospects who are 19 and 20 than suspect major league talent who are ML ready now. The reason for that is because by trading Lee, Utley, Rollins etc you'll have all that money to bring in free agents and thus retain the ability to be competitive.


The more astute the GM is at signing free agents will determine what's next. Either you are ready to contend and can flip the prospects for major league level help or if the teams not ready let them develop in the minors, but yeah its all 3 criteria or its the long haul before we're talking about Red October again.

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight
jaywrizight@yahoo.com

P.S. # 4 Keep Paps! 
 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Midterm Report

Hoodwink’d                       by cj hood
Midterm Report
 
 
I have to apologize in advance my fellow Buntamaniacs.  This edition of Hoodwink’d will not spit fire like yesterday’s Wriz Wednesday piece…oh wait.  Anywho, the All Star break is just about over so let’s assess our Phightans (or lack thereof) before they kick off the second half in Atlanta on Friday.
 
Chooch:  C-  He had a good May, but got hurt.  I wouldn’t mind if he was moved.

Cody Asche:  B-  Also saw the DL, but I like this kid.  Needs to work on his D.
 
J*Roll:  B  I thought he’d mail it in after breaking Schmidt’s record, but I was wrong.  Like Stella, he got his groove back and he seems more pissed off when he’s not doing well.  He’s gotta ‘new attitude’ like Philly’s own Patti Labelle and I like it!
 
Chase:  A   He’s the man and a Phillie for life.  Don’t trade him and stop asking him about being     traded. Trading Utley would be like trading a heart for 2 good thumbs.  Drop it bro!
 
D*Brown:  D  Send him back to Lehigh.  His game is about as reputable as Malaysian Airlines.
 
Sizemore: B?  Too early to grade, but I like what I see.  If Netfather Bill backs him then so do I!
 
Byrd:  A    I haven’t loved a bird this much since I hit puberty.  I’m gonna hate to see him go.
 
Ben Revere:  B   Only because you have the highest batting average on the team.  He still lacks some fundamentals though (ie  fielding & base running).
 
Bench:  C-  Mayberry & Gwynn Jr are ok.  The rest of them aren’t worth mentioning now that Frandsen  is gone.
                   
Cole:  A-   I feel for you bro.  It’s like you own a record company and your biggest act is Leif Garret.  #zerohits
 
Lee:  B+   Last year’s Cole.  Hope he could bounce back from his injury.
 
AJ Burnett:  B    He’s seemed to come around after a few shaky starts.  Hope we could get some offense for him.
 
KK:  C   You’re the Dominic Brown of pitching.  I won’t be mad if he gets traded.
 
Buchanan:  B+  I like this guy! I don’t like him like DB29 likes the Real Housewives of New Jersey (He doesn’t read the blog anymore), but I think he’s going to be a great 4th or 5th starter for us.
 
Hernandez:  D+  (This grade exists…I got it in college)  Dude’s like KK with a nicer tan.  Not impressed.
 
Bullpen et al:  B+    Shaky start, but really came thru for a team with zero offense.  F’ Papelbon & can’t wait to see him leave. With names like Ken ‘My Angel is a Centerfold’ Giles Band &            Jeff(erson) ‘We Built this City on Rock N Roll’ Manship , this pen is bound to get more interesting.
 
And last, but definitely last…
 
Ryan Howard:  F-  You had 2 good years and got paid handsomely by a GM who has no business being a GM.  I cannot understand how in good conscience you can continue cashing your paycheck.  NFL players redo their contracts for the good of the team all the time.  Why can’t
 you?  I say cut him like the Eagles cut DeSean Jackson.  I know the circumstances are different, but F’ it…take the loss.  I recommended a $3 surcharge be added to all tickets so the fans could buy out his contract.  As long as Ryan Howard is a Phillie, this team will continue looking back at 2008 instead of focusing on the future.  The organization needs to show the fan base that they are serious about winning.  Getting rid of Howard is step one!!!
 
 
I predicted in April that the Phillies would cop the 2nd Wild Card.  That is obviously not going to happen, but there’s a slim chance that they could still win this division.  That of course depends on a gaggle of things coming together.  Time will tell I guess.  I hope they don’t shit the bed before Aug 22 cuz it’s their first annual Star Wars night and I’d really like to take the family to that game.  However, there’s no way I’m dropping a few hundred dollars to watch a team implode like the Death Star.  So may the force be with you and here’s hoping that Pap goes out like Jabba the Hutt.  Hey, we got new Phillies Bunts stickers in stock……let’s get ‘Bunted!!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

MG4 Wrap-Up & the like

Hoodwink’d               by cj hood
MG4 Wrap-Up & the like
 
 
 
3 BAD BROTHERS YOU KNOW SO WELL
 
Another successful Phillies Bunts outing has passed and with World Cup type attendance it did not disappoint.  Meet & Greet IV: The Search for Diamond Girl definitely lived up to its hype because she was nowhere to be found.  Irregardless (not a real world) of an anemic ball club , surprise graduation parties & lack of Timmy ‘the leg’ cuisine: DB29, Wriz & myself entertained legions of ‘Buntamaniacs with cold beer& quick wit.  Like Adrock crooned in Professor Booty, ‘I’d like to thank the people for just showing up.’  So with that I’d like to give a shout out to our old friends as well as our new compadres.  Until we meet again at MGV….stay cool.
 
 
 
THE MAESTRO
 
Now to the Phillies…
 
Dear Phillies:  It’s tough to write weekly blogs, generate hype on our FB page and attract new ‘Buntamaniacs when all you do is suck!!!  So start hitting the ball and win some games.
Sincerely,
cj
 
I’m going to make this short & sweet cuz it’s been beat like a comatose Mr. Ed.  THE PHILLIES CAN’T HIT!!!  That’s the main issue.  If 5 out of the nine could put the ball in play then they could easily overcome weak pitching and a sketchy bullpen. Everyone says Ruben needs to go (agreed) and we should sell.  Sell what?  We only have 2 guys who could hit: Utley & Byrd; no one wants Howard’s contract and we only have 2 pitchers and one of them is hurt.  So, sell Pap (DeFratus can close); Burnett, J*Roll (if he agrees) and Chooch (if anyone wants him), but only if you’re getting some offense in return.  If you’re not getting bats in return then you might as well keep the team you have.  Getting rid of Victorino, Pence, & Blanton hasn’t helped us put runs on the board.  So don’t sell just to sell…it’s stupid.  Moreover, I often wonder if we should have just paid Victorino & Werth and called it a day.  Although Vic has been hurt they’re a much better option than Brown, Revere, Mayberry et al. 
 
On a lighter note, Mike Schmidt got to meet me last weekend….lets get ‘bunted!!!
 
 
A MAN WHO’S SYNONMOUS WITH THE PHILLIES &  MIKE SCHMIDT
 
 

No Words

View From the Left Coast by a Lefty: Got No Words
 
Bill needs a hug
 
I sit here this Sunday staring at my screen, wondering where the words will come from. While most of you were at the Meet N Greet downing beers, I was doing laundry. While you were busy snapping pics and then going into the game, I was just getting home from the grocery store. I figured at least it was game time, just *MAYBE* it might be worth watching. But then, in 6th inning, the stream broke and I never got it back. No matter, the game ended with us losing 3-2 so I missed nada. Why does this make sense?
 
As this season has worn on it was pretty much the same roller coaster as last year. Win a few, lose a few more, rinse and repeat. 2 weeks ago I had a glimmer of hope, sweep ATL @ ATL then win the first two in STL. I allowed myself to start thinking cool, Cliff will be back soon and Asche is hot. Then reality set in... lose 8 of the next 10 and get swept 4 at home by ATL. This season is just about over in Philly and I can't get by that thought. So this piece may well be my swan song.
 
Before you throw things at me, let me say the Phillies are my team now until I die. They have been since 1958. But after 56 years I've seen the entire gamut with them. My only regret is never seeing them in a World Series game. After today, I have to wonder if I'm going to live long enough to see them in another World Series, because the prospects appear dim at the moment. We are old, slow, and rangeless in the field. At the plate.... BAH HUMBUG! Howard has been up 97 times with runners in scoring position and is batting a cool .232. This inspires greatness NOT. Rollins, since passing Schmidt for the all time lead, has returned to king of the popup. Even Utley, after April he can't be hitting more than .260 because he's barely at .290 now. Don't get me wrong, he should still be the all star 2B and always gives 110%. But people, without these guys in their heyday, and role players like we *USED* to have, we are exactly where we belong... at the bottom of the division. The farm is pretty much bare, with one of the brighter hopes leaving baseball apparently because of his mental state. Seriously where do we go from here? It's getting more difficult to watch them every day, even without streams breaking mid game.
 
Wriz and CJ, I apologize for lack of production this year. It's just that for every slight glimmer we see, it's followed by a deep dark storm of insanity... both on the field and in the front office. Even the most novice fan can see we're fuct with our pants up, the worst possible way. I don't know if or when I may be able to write another piece of substance again this season. It's gonna take a big turn of events for that to happen, and at this moment I have no more words either way.
 
                                               
                                                                Bill S aka/netfather
 
Bet Howard doesn't need Bill to hit that!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

MG4





Hoodwink'd  by cj hood
MG4



Top 10 Reasons to go to Meet & Greet IV: The Search for DiamondGirl

10. Phils swept the Braves in Atlanta last week. So the chances of them probably winning are pretty good.
9. Asche's back!
8. Games for the kids including 'Pin the beard on the Wriz'
7. Oily Sausage
6.  Dom 'former All Star' Brown jersey giveaway.
5. Live entertainment from DB29 (His impression of a Bunts blogger is spot on).
4. CB Park anticipates at least 2500 fans on Sunday so there'll be plenty of leg room.
3. The first 100 Buntamaniacs to show up to the K lot @ the Linc get a free 8x10 glossy of CJ Hood.
2. Timmy 'the leg's' cooking!
1. Robin won't be there!!!

See you kids on Sunday...let's get 'bunted!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A Formal Affair

Hoodwink’d  by cj hood
A Formal Affair Part I 


What up kids?  BREAKING NEWS:  Our team blows!  But I’m not one to yell, curse and kick the dog over this pathetic excuse for a ball club.  Instead, I light a candle, put on some slow muzac and put my anger onto the pages of my marble notepad.  Like Chuck D of Public Enemy once crooned, ‘When I get mad, I put it down on a pad…give you something that you never had.’  So based on that shiz, I’ve decided to class this blog up and share with you some of the tasteful pieces I’ve penned while watching this atrocity.  I’m a start it off with a funky-ass haiku…

I don’t know this team
Who the hell is Reid Brignac?
Sounds like a porn name

----------------------------

Ode to Chase:
Without Chase
we’d have no wins.
No heart on the team.
No team.
No heart.

----------------------------

There once was a man named Amaro,
who lived for today, not tomorrow.
He mortgaged the farm,
gave out contracts that harmed,
And now the city just sulks in its sorrow.



THIS IS HOW I LOOK WHEN I WRITE POETRY

Pop up, pop up, pop
Ben Revere can’t bunt for shit
Take a lead off third

----------------------------

B is for the Balls every first batter gets
A is for your Ass that children try to pet
S is for the Strikes I think you had a few
T is for the Times you threw at batters shoes
A is also for your Ass cuz it’s big as hell
R is for the Runs you produce like Taco Bell
D is for Down Lehigh Valley that you have to go
O is for On as in ‘get back on the drugs bro’



I’ll be performing at Philly’s Phunniest Contest at Helium ( 2031 Sansom St., Philly) on Sun; June 22nd @ 10pm.  Round 1 winners are determined by the audience so I need your support.  I have a few free tickets left…get at me thru Facebook.  Otherwise, tickets are 2 for the price of 1 (tickets are $10).  Please call the box office at 215-496-9001 to make a reservation.  Make sure you mention my name (cj hood) to receive the discount.  I’m funnier than the Phillies defense…let’s get ‘bunted!