Drained

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Drained

This is the 3rd time I've sat down to try to write something, and still my fingers seem paralyzed. I have no mental energy and feel drained of original thought. I have been a Philly sports fan since 1958(except the 6ers, abandoned them *YEARS* ago and now the NBA in total). I have seen highs and lows(mostly lows), from the 1964 record collapse to the Reds to 1972 when the 6ers were 9-73 and Phillies 59-103. I did manage to see 2 of the 9 6er wins and Lefty win the Cy Young at 27-10, but those were small triumphs. These days with coverage of everything all day it's even more depressing to me to see the Flyers shit in their helmets and the Phils under .500. If there is a God, doesn't he/she know I don't have a whole lotta time left to see another World Series win, or another Stanley Cup, or a Superbowl winner? Am I that big of an asshole? Wait, don't answer the last one.

Since it's less than 3 weeks ‘til the Meet 'N' Greet II, let me dwell on the positive. It won't take long. I have no doubt Freddy Galvis will have a long, solid major league career. He will continue to learn to hit better and that's all you can ask of him. Worst case scenario for him is he will be a switch hitting Wilson Valdez, with a higher average and more power, and that won't suck. I wonder if he can pitch?

Chooch... what can you say about him other than wow? I honestly love that man, 110% effort day in and day out. I'll be beside myself if he isn't on the All Star team this year. Prediction: 106 RBI for him this year, lord knows we need it. I swear if he gets any better I am going to force all 4 of my kids, at gunpoint, to change their names to Carlos Ruiz Scardefield. Hint: keep an eye on http://www.azcentral.com for the breaking news stories about a crazed ex-mailman going postal on his kids for not changing their names.

Unfortunately now we go to the downside. First, can somebody please bitch-slap Cholly into remembering how to manage? Second, will Chase *EVER* play again? Third, will Ry Ry make it back before the trade deadline? RAJ is already considering selling, which makes my preseason prediction of no acquisitions by the deadline almost a lock. Fourth, and maybe the one that hurts the most, is what happened to HP3? He forgot how to catch? I'm now including him in my offer to teach Howard how to hit again as well. Please Phillies give me 2 weeks with both of these guys, and Ry Ry will hit to left again with power and Pence will lay off eye high fastballs. I shit you not, I could do this. And the farm system is bare... let's save that for another time.

Now comes the enigma that troubles me most. Why is Thome orbiting Neptune? Someone please help me out here, the man looks lost. Let me enlighten you guys on something that could have been. Before the Phils signed Thome they talked to Jason Giambi, someone who *CAN* play the field and still hit. Wanna know why they didn't sign him? He wanted 3 years and would have settled for 2 to move from CO. Digest that for a minute. Here are his stats this year:

Does that not look better than Thome's? I love the man but shit Giambi can still play 1B. I bet RAJ is rethinking this one big time. Yeah Thome agreed to 1 year but... ugh.

Well kiddies now you know why my fingers are numb and it took this long to write something. I can't do BillSwink'd and Wriz already has the piece of the year. So when you see me at the Meet'N'Greet 6/3 don't expect me to be any different unless the Phils win 12 in a row sometime between now and then. I just don't have the energy to see anything else. I'll even leave pitching (who the fuck is in the bullpen anymore?) until the next time.

So with a rum and coke in one hand and Bud Light Platinum in the other, LET'S GET BUNTED.

NetFather aka Bill S

****EDITORS NOTE

At NetFathers age its probably Carpal Tunnel

In A World Gone Mad

TO TRY TO CHANGE THE WORLD I’M A PLOT & SCHEME

If you read the Wriz’ award winning piece on Wed then you’ll have some idea on what this Hoodwink’d will be about. BTW, big ups to the Wriz for the love in that piece. I weeped like that Indian who cried over pollution…for realz! So anywho, about an hour after I emailed last week’s blog to the Wriz I got a text about the passing of one of my heroes Adam Yauch bka MCA of the Beastie Boys. In 1986, 13 year old boys wanted to be Michael Jordan or maybe even Michael Jack, but I wanted to be a Beastie Boy. I went to my first Phillies game (at the Vet) in ’87. We spent the day in Philly where I bought my first Beastie Boys tshirt. Like Ice Cube said….it was a good day.

I don’t want to spend this whole Hoodwink’d talking about Yauch, but f’ it how many bullpen or Orr jokes can I make? I follow 3 groups of people on Twitter: Comics, old school mc’s & Philly’s sports heads…and all 3 gave Yauch props. Even Big Daddy Shane paid his respects. I met Adam on 2 occasions where he was both gracious & chill. It was almost like talking to an old friend. MCA, along with Adrock & Mike D, changed the way my generation walked, talked, dressed & shaked their rumps! Sure Adam Yauch fought for his right to party, but he also fought for Tibetan’s rights, women’s rights & overall human rights. I will miss his raspy voice, his witty rhymes & his spirit. Rest in peace friend

Now from a hero of hiphop to a field full of (flip) flops:

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

In A World Gone Mad

-BREAKING NEWS: Meet & Greet II has been changed to Lehigh Valley…go Pigs!

-bullpen? More like a pigpen.

-the last time DB29, DiamondGirl & Kornhole wrote a blog the Phils had a winning

record.

-there’s a reason why Orr plays Triple A.

-Net father Bill’s favorite white mc is Snow.

-Gregg isn’t the only thing Gross about this team.

-I think our lineup needs to start doing blow. #hamilton

-you think the aces are pissed or just happy to be paid?

-trade Contreras for a snow cone machine.

-gotta give the Mets props on coming out to Beastie trax last Friday.

-u mad bro? #werth

-Obama backs gay marriage while Romney won’t even let the Franklins in his wallet

touch each other.

-Madson & Lidge (in their current state) > Kendrick & Qualls

-Trading Places 2 starring the Phils & Nats.

-the only thing funnier than Hoodwink’d is the Phillies record

-I respect Cole Hamels now more than ever.

-word is MLB has asked our bullpen to pitch 2012’s Homerun Derby.

-ya think T*Mac LOLz to himself when he announces the Blue Cross ‘Player of the

Week?’

-the best team in Philly right now is the Local 107.

-Charlie had a meeting….oooooooooooh things are really gonna change now!

-the Phils didn’t lose yesterday….let’s get ‘bunted!!!

THE GLORY HOLE

Awesome!…..

Wrizwink'd by the Wriz

Awesome!…..I Fuckin Got Lol’d!

Its almost 20 years later but we’re still in da game. And by “we” I mean me and my boy, CJ Hood. We’ve been ball bustin friends that long. On May 4^th, he lost one of his idols when the legendary MCA of the Beastie Boys lost a 3 year battle with cancer. I, too, am a huge Beastie fan. I can still listen to their albums and enjoy them as much as I did the day they came out, but there’s only one other person (my college roommate and the dude who into’d us, John Zee) who I could ever say even rivals Hood’s fandom of the B-Boys.

For me, it was a lot like the day Harry Kalas died. I felt lost. Numb. Like I should be doing something but no idea what that something is. I know CJ’s hurting so imma try to do my best to cheer him up with my LOLs

-Hood wishes he could be outside playing basketball in the rain and not get wet.

-He once got thrown out of being backstage of Beasties. Adrock is stingy with the autographs

-My man couldn’t decide on a career until the Beasties greatest hits The Sounds of Science was released. Third grade science has never been the same.

-He once drove 2 ½ straight days because he wasn’t staying anywhere but a Motel 9

-Hoodie got detention in History because every time the teacher mentioned Paul Revere, he broke into verse "Now's heres a little story....."

-Hood owns stock in Bravo #housewivesjokes

-He tried out a bunch of times for Top Chef but he only makes Polly Wog Stew

-Hood forgave John Cusack for Being John Malkovich after rewatching Roadside Prophets

-Hood has a branding of a VW emblem due to a Wildwood tanning mishap.

-His twins middle names are AdRock and Diamond. Impressive but not as impressive as convincing his teenage girl to take MCA as her confirmation name.

-Gratitude>Natitude

-Nathanial Hornblower had a better beard than Jayson Werth.

-Prince is no Cookie Puss #FudgietheWhale

-Andy Cohen has better wrists than Werth

-I got Bravo jokes too. Come at me bro!

-Charlies plan for 2012: I Don’t Know

-Its hard to Make Some Noise when you think know you’re going to lose. #CBPquiet

-Halladay struggling, Lee hurt, Hamels suspended #tripletrouble

-Is Qualls is still working for the Padres? #sabotage

-Orr and a run down? Now that’s Crazy Ass Shit

-I wish we still had Valdez and his Funky Donkey.

-Lee (Majorly) better come (back) again for any hope at postseason

-Hamels has proven over and over he’s got the Skills to Pay the Bills

The Bunts Meet N Greet is June 3^rd. Its not that kinda party so keep your d!ck out the mashed potatoes…..let’s get bunted!

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

Journey > Destination

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

Journey > Destination

I’m starting to write this week’s ep early (it’s Wed morn) cuz last week I procrastinated, plus I had a field trip to go to with my sons and Hoodwink’d didn’t get done til Friday about 9pm (3 hrs past Wriz’ bedtime). Then I copy & pasted wrong and had to have the Wriz fix some stuff which is like asking my 7 yr olds to clean their room à half assed production. So this week I wanted to come correct for the 328 Buntamaniacs out there!!!

This season I find it challenging to deliver the LOLz cuz of the current state of our team. Saturday, the Wriz texted me (cuz he’s uncomfortable talking on the phone) to ask if my cable was carrying the game (see It’s Sh*tty) and then ‘I cried in my beer’ at his expense on how bummed I was over the current situation. Then he told me Thome was hurt and Howard soon would be in Clearwater (maybe w/Utley) and I felt a little better.

Then the Phils split with the Cubs & won the first game with the Braves and I was excited. I know I need to stop being negative and Start Believing again…

Just a small town fan, living in a 500 world

She took the Broad Street line going to CB Park

Just a city boy, born & raised in South Philly

He took the Orange line to CB Park

forget it….you get the idea. If I write anymore We Might Be GMs will steal it.

WAR WAS A BETTER ATARI GAME THAN THIS CRAP!

But Don’t Stop Believin kids. We have 12 wins (13 now) and the best team in baseball has 17…so it’s not that bad. But then again it’s only Wednesday. If we roll into DC after losing the Braves series then all this happy horsesh*t is all for not. (5/4/12 @ 8:42am: we won that series yo!) But let’s not think that way kids. Don’t Stop Believin….hold on to that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeliiiiiiiiiin’.

Anywho, this week instead of the regular LOLz, I’m decided to go with a Top 10 list ala David Letterman. So, lets run it up the flagpole and see who salutes….

THE FUTURE’S SO BRIGHT HE’S GOTTA WEAR SHADES! #12ALLSTAR

Top 10 Reasons We Should Be happy With Our 2012 Phightans thus far:

10. We have Papelbon and not Madson, Lidge or Rivera.

9. Fat Joe’s strict diet of Captain Crunch & Ring Dings is finally paying off.

8. The bench is finally coming thru. #Nix #Wigginton

7. Pierre’s speed.

6. Pence got his bench press up to 5 baguettes.

5. T*Mac’s man t*ts and Wheels’ sh*tty wig could put a smile on anyone’s face.

4. Bunts’ Meet & Greet II is weeks away.

3. Howard’s headed to Clearwater.

2. One word: CHOOCH!!!

1. Vanilla Bryce is going to get ice’d, ice’d baby this wknd….let’s get ‘bunted!!!

Thome is my Homie

Happy Sunday Bunters! Good news! April is almost over and the Phillies are hanging near The Wriz's magic number of .500. Who knows how long Jim Thome will be out with his back issues. I know he got hurt on a routine play but I for one will miss him while he is out. He has started off the season slow, 2 for 18, 10 strikeouts. Many Phillies fans are ready to push Thome into the grave and kick dirt on him. Is he possibly shot? Sure. But if any player deserves to go out on his own terms, it's Thome. How soon we forget, Big Jim brought baseball back to Philadelphia. For those of you who started following the Phillies in 2007, let me lay some knowledge on ya.

Jim Thome was the biggest free agent signing for the Phillies since Pete Rose when he signed here in 2003. Jim chose Philadelphia over a bunch of other towns. This happened a few short years after Scott Rolen ran out of town for 'Baseball Heaven'. Free agents used the Phillies to drive their price up, then signed with the team they really wanted to play for. Everyone loves Cliff Lee, as do I, for flipping the bird at New York and signing here. Thome did that long before the Phillies were competitive. He brought energy back to the ballpark, and that was a tall order at the Vet. Whenever Thome was at the plate you had to watch. Plus, when he left he only talked about his time in Philadelphia in glowing terms. Some recent former Phillies can't wait to dis this town when they leave, Jayson Werth, Brad Lidge, etc. And those ingrates won a championship here.

Forget the fact that Thome has 604 career Home Runs as a 'clean' player. Forget the fact that he is a 1st ballot Hall of Famer. He was the shot in the arm that this franchise sorely needed. He opened the door and sold this city to future free agents. So next time you're at the ballpark, instead of booing, let's show Big Jim some love. All together now...THOME! THOME! THOME!

Keep It Classy Philly!
DB29

I Don't think Phoebe would be Proud

 

Editors Note**** I originally posted this 2 years ago on another blog. I thought it fitting to re-publish it today.

 

 

In much like the way I am amazed that adults without children visit Disney World or go to see Toy Story 3, I am stunned by the Phillie Phanatic’s popularity. This morning I was surprised to learn not only is the Phanatic getting sued, but he is the MOST SUED mascot. Really? People actually sue the Phanatic? I didn’t know you could sue someone for being an asshole.

Wait. What?

That’s right. I said it. The Phillie Phanatic is an ASSHOLE!

There are any number of reasons I could give you why I hate the Phanatic. That he uses the same boring routines game in and game out.(i.e. smashing the opposing teams batting helmet, the “Rocky” fight or the weightlifting skit) or the way T-Mac giggles like a retarded bowl of Jell-O whenever the Phanatic is on TV. Or the way he tries to force himself on unsuspecting fans by trusting his pelvis into their faces. Hey, I understand people can make their own sexual choices, but no means no even if you are a 300 pound green furry thing. But the real reason, I hate the Phanatic is much more personal.

I didn’t always feel this way. I remember when I was little begging my mom to buy me the weekly Phanatic figurine at Acme. We musta been really poor because they were like 99 cents, but I really had to beg.

When I was in high school, I took one of those aptitude tests. It said I was best suited for a career in sports management. My school passed this information along to the Phillies, who invited me to be part of their Explorers program. It was awesome. Every week for ten weeks I went to the stadium and learned about what goes into the day-to-day operations of the Phillies. As a special treat for completing the program, I was given tickets to a game, but told I need to be there at a specified time before the game. Much to my surprise and delight when I arrived I was informed that all those in the program would be taken out onto the field and announced to the crowd. One by one, we were announced as our name was on the scoreboard and our face on Phanavision. For some reason, the Phanatic singled me out. When I was announced, Wham! A smack to the side of the head. I mean it wasn’t like a Tyson blow to the dome, but not suspecting it; it was hard enough to foster resentment towards the tongue-hurling freak. But it doesn’t end there.

Four years later, I take this girl I had just started dating to a Phillies game. About the sixth inning, a commotion starts in our section. The Phanatic is at the top of the concourse. As my luck would have it, she loves the Phanatic. I start telling her the story and POW! That motherfucker does it again. I mean what are the chances. Do I look like some dickhead in the Galapagos Islands or something? So now it’s gone beyond resentment and is now full-blown hatred.

I hope the Phillies don’t settle out of court, and I end up on that jury. I do my damnedest to make sure the poor old arthritic lady who just wanted to watch a baseball game gets every penny she DESERVES.

BTW any one know the statute of limitations of a civil case involving assault?

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

the Philly 500

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

the Philly 500

THIS YEAR’S CATCHPHRASE!

-currently watching Doc pitch a gem. #cubiczirconia

-if the Phils lose to the Cubs DB29 is fired from the Bunts!

-Wigginton is growing on me.

-We're not in last place anymore....for now!

-that West Coast stint was like a boner....long & hard

-this year’s team reminds me of something my wife often says to me...."who are you? it's like I don't even know you anymore."

-Happy BDay to the Philly Phanatic...love the Wriz!

-I'll take a 500 road trip with this MASH unit any day.

-ATTN: Hoodwink'd got the patent on the Phillies musical parodies...stop bitin!

-Jim Thome is tied with Dexy's Midnight Runners on number of hits.

-I've nicknamed our Little League pitching machine 'Contreras.'

-It's Sh*tty broke into Billboard's Top 100.

-the hat under the helmet look is boss! #pierre

-I watched the WB Mason commercials drunk and they're still stupid!

-Pay Hamels or trade him!!!

THEY SAY IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

-Kirk Gibson looking at his binder like a 9th grade Geography student.

-I can't wait to play the 'Nats....is that wrong?

-I have a feeling the Wriz will be sleeping when I send this (9:20pm EST).

-and trade Utley to an AL team for a bat while you're at it!

-J*Roll where you at?!?

-I’m 99% done with this ep and still don’t have a title.

-Newt Gingrich is like the college freshman who keeps going back to the high school

dances.

-f’ it! bring up D*Brown!

-Fans of the Phils & this blog need to reread the Wriz' piece on Cholly's managing skills...or lack there of!

-Fletcher Cox sounds like an 80s porn star.

-B*Dawk’s a class act.

-Saw Netfather Bill had some sweet seats at Chase Field...the D*Backs really know how to treat their Senior Citizens.

-Mayberry should use a broom stick for the LOLZ.

-I think the Bunts should reimburse me the $13 I paid for the app to watch that allows me to watch games on my iphone.

-DMC retweeted It’s Sh*tty…no where to go from here.

-Meet & Greet in in one month........let’s get ‘bunted!!!